Stranger In My Own Life
by Adian McSteamy
Summary: What happens when you realize you don’t know who you are anymore?
1. Chapter 1

**I put a warning on this story from the very beginning warning readers away if they couldn't handle a negative portrayal of Derek. I've received several comments about this story centering on how Derek could never hurt Meredith. In the beginning, I was a huge Meredith and Derek fan but as the seasons progressed, I became less and less enchanted with Derek. I watched the seasons back to back and I became really angry with the way Derek has treated Meredith. When things cease to go his way Derek gets vicious either verbally or physically. He goes for the jugular and says or does what will hurt the most. The longer Derek has run from his own issues the more explosive his temper has become. With him being so angry all the time a "What If" scenario was born. A **_**Stranger In My Own Life**_** is the product of that scenario.**

**In plain English - This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril!!!!**

**Title:** Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author:** Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating:** T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary:** What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes: **

This story has not had the benefit of a beta and it is written in the present tense for the most part.

I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 1**

Meredith walks to the front of the chapel and faces the wedding guests. She says, "It's over. You can all go home." Looking at Derek she says, "It's over. It's so over."

Derek walks up and grabs her arm. "I need an answer."

"Now? Seriously?"

Derek squeezes her arm even harder.

Trying to pull away from him Meredith says, "Let go Derek you're hurting me."

Derek refuses to let go. He pulls her to him grabbing her other arm. "You will only run away. We need to deal with this now before you leave me again for your friend."

Meredith screams up at him. "Excuse me! You need an answer. Well so do I. Where have you been? Susan died. Thatcher hit me and accused me of killing his wife. I had the Intern Exam. I had responsibilities to Cristina for this wedding. All of this happened in a matter of days and where were you? You were in a bar meeting another girl. You talk about me running away. I may not be able to handle things but unlike you at least I show up."

Enraged Derek shakes her retorting, "How dare you! I'm tired of breathing for you. I love you but you exhaust me. If you can't commit to a future with me just put me out of my misery and say so."

Meredith retorts, "I never asked you to breathe for me. If I had I'd be dead by now because you haven't been around."

Derek spits out, "Don't you ever joke about death like that. I saved you. You scare me. I never know what you're going to do, say or even be from day to day."

Meredith says, "You want the girl you first met. Instead, you're dealing with the broken aftermath. You did this to me. Deal with it."

Derek pushes her away from him causing her to fall backwards and hit her head on a pew.

The wedding guests who had been watching the fight gasp in shock at its violent outcome.

Derek cries out, "Meredith!" He stops short as he watches blood pour out of her head framing it like a halo.

The ambulance pulls up in the ambulance bay. Before it stops the doors swing open and Bailey can be heard yelling orders to the interns on duty. The paramedics are pulling the gurney holding Meredith out. Cristina Yang in a crimson and white wedding dress is relaying Meredith's vitals to Bailey. Several cars slam to a stop in the bay with Interns, Residents, Attendings, and the Chief arriving in wedding attire.

The screeching tires alert Bailey to more arrivals. As they roll Meredith in Bailey yells, "None of you are working on this case. Move your cars out of my ambulance bay!"

Yang and Sheppard ignore her order following Meredith into the pit. Bailey orders, "I need a CT, a Neuro consult, and an OR booked immediately. Grey's pressure is low she has a depressed skull fracture and inter-cranial bleeding. I need more units of blood."

Sheppard and Yang enter the trauma bay. Bailey glares at them. "Get out!"

Sheppard answers, "You need a Neuro consult and I'm here."

Bailey says, "No…"

Yang turns on him interrupting, "You have done enough. Get the hell out before I hurt you like you did her."

Undaunted by Yang's pale, cold face Sheppard he opens his mouth to reply.

Yang says, "I hold her medical proxy and I don't want you near her. Get out or I will have security physically eject you."

Mark Sloan walks up to hear Yang and pulls Sheppard out of the trauma bay.

Neurologist Dr. Jacob McCrarry walks in and immediately orders them to the OR. He, Bailey, and O'Malley work frantically to relieve the intracranial pressure. After the surgery, Dr. McCrarry sends Meredith to have a CT.

Yang banned everyone but Izzy, Alex, and the Chief from the gallery during Meredith's surgery. McCrarry and Bailey approach them to give more details. "Meredith's GCS was a 3 before the surgery. The pressure has been relieved but only a CT will show how much damage she sustained in the fall until then there is nothing I can tell you.

Forty-five minutes later Dr. McCrarry, Dr. Bailey, and Dr. Yang are reviewing Meredith's CT scans. The extensive damage to the hippocampus speaks for itself Meredith has very little chance of ever waking up.

Yang orders Bailey and McCrarry to keep Meredith's prognosis to themselves. She takes Meredith's chart and begins making copies and a series of phone calls that will rock the surgical staff to its core.

A few hours later two police detectives meet Yang and another man in the Intensive Care Unit. "I'm Det. Howard and this is my partner Det. Moore."

Yang hands them each a folder. "I'm Dr. Cristina Yang. I am the medical proxy and power of attorney for the patient Meredith Grey. This is Vernon Davis Meredith's attorney. I have a video I want you to watch and then I have a few things to explain afterwards."

The two detectives watch the non-wedding unfold. They see the groom leave the front of the church. A few minutes later Meredith Grey walks to the front of the church and says something to the crowd. People begin standing up to leave. The exodus halts as the wedding guests watch the fight unfold between the best man and the maid of honor. The detectives watch Derek Sheppard grab Meredith by the arm. They see Meredith try to break free but Sheppard grabs her other arm. He yells at Meredith shaking her. She yells at him still struggling to break free. Sheppard picks her up tosses her away from him. Meredith flies through the air her head landing on the edge of a pew. Her body falls to the ground blood gushing from her head. They see Sheppard freeze and a look of horror cross his face. They see a tall older black man run up to Meredith his phone out. A bevy of people rush forward one of them being Cristina Yang. Two minutes later a black woman pushes through to the front with a black bag handing it to the older black man. The man and Yang work frantically to stop the bleeding. Paramedics run in with a gurney. A few minutes later Meredith is wheeled out attached to various wires and tubes. Yang in a blood soaked wedding dress leaves with the paramedics.

The detectives give each other a look before turning to Yang and Davis.

Cristina says, "Take a look at the bruising on Meredith's arms. Sheppard squeezed her hard enough to leave handprints. In the folder are photographs of the bruising the fingers left with enough detail for prints to be seen and matched. I also included her medical reports with CT scans. The damage to her brain is extensive. If she ever comes out of the coma it is doubtful she will have much brain function left."

Det. Howard asks, "What do you want from us?"

"I want him charged. I want his assets seized and for them to be used to pay for Meredith's upkeep for however long she has left. I want his medical license revoked."

Det. Howard says, "We're going to have to bring our own people in to make an assessment. We'll need to talk to the witnesses and the videographer. We need a list of the attendees."

"I have all that info in the folder."

Det. Howard replies, "You are very thorough Dr. Yang."

"I'm a surgeon I have to be."


	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author**: Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating**: T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary**: What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes:**

This story has not had the benefit of a beta and it is written in the present tense for the most part.

I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**  
Chapter 2**

Dr. Mark Sloan pulls Derek out of the trauma bay. He asks, "What happened to Meredith?"

Derek answers, "It was an accident. We were fighting and I pushed her away from me. She fell and hit her head."

At Derek's explanation, he watches Izzie's face go from worry to anger. He knows there is more to the story but now is not the time.

Derek interrupts his reverie. "They won't let me help her. She needs a Neuro consult. I'm the best. I did this I need to fix it."

Chief Webber walks up. "Sheppard you are too emotionally involved. The hospital can't afford to have you anywhere near Meredith."

Neurologist Dr. Jacob Mc Crarry, Bailey, O'Malley, and Yang run out of the trauma bay pushing Meredith's gurney between them.

Derek, Mark, Izzie, Alex, and the Chief follow Meredith to the surgical floor. They exit the elevator as Meredith is being wheeled into OR 1. They see Yang still in her white dress with Meredith's blood slowly drying fading from crimson to dark brown.

Yang sees Derek and stops. "If you come any closer I will have security remove you from the premises."

Derek yells, "I have a right to know what is going on!"

Yang says coldly, "I hold her medical proxy. You have no rights. If I see you in the gallery, in the scrub room, on the OR floor I will…"

"Spare me your threats."

The Chief intervenes, "Yang is within her rights. Meredith gave her that power. Get out of here Derek."

Unsure Mark stays behind. Yang looks at him saying, "Your loyalties are too divided to stay."

Mark responds, "He loves her. He needs to know how she is doing."

"I'm not salving his guilty conscious. She is in there because of him. What is going on with her is no one's business but mine and who I chose to tell. You and anyone connected with Sheppard are not on my list of people who need to know."

Exasperated Mark says, "Yang don't be such a bitch."

Yang walks up to him. "You were not there. You did not see what happened. If I were being so unreasonable the Chief would ask me to back down. Why don't you think about that?"

A nurse walks up. "Dr. Yang I have a pair of scrubs for you."

Yang replies, "Thank you." She turns and walks off without a backward glance.

The Chief says, "Sloan you'd better go and keep Derek off this floor."

After the surgery Alex, Izzie, and George are sitting in the cafeteria trying to comprehend what has happened.

Derek and Mark approach the group. "Please I need to know how Meredith is."

They stare at the broken man before them. Alex says, "I left I didn't see what happened but Yang wouldn't do this without a reason so you're not getting anything out of me."

George and Izzie look at him and then at each other. Derek knows they are the weak links. He begs, "Please…I love her."

His tears crack Izzie. She says, "She made it through the surgery. Until the CT scans come back we won't know how bad the damage is."

Derek says, "Thank you." He walks off with Mark trailing him.

Alex shakes his head at Izzie. "You're toast."

Confused George asks, "What happened? Where's Burke?"

Izzie answers, "Cristina was freaking out because she had her vows written on her hand and she washed them off. Mere calmed her down and we were on our way out the door when Burke came in. He said that she didn't really want to get married and wasn't the woman he had originally fallen in love with. He left. Meredith went to the front of the church to tell everyone to go home. She was taking forever and I went to the door to see what was going on. Meredith and Derek were arguing in front of everyone. I saw Derek shaking her. Cristina pushed passed me and ran up to the front. I followed her and saw Derek push Mere away. He pushed her hard she flew through the air and her head landed against a pew. There was blood everywhere…so much blood."

Alex says, "No wonder Yang is so pissed."

Hours later finds Izzie, Addison, Adele, Chief, and other wedding guests at the police station. The guests are scattered throughout preventing them from talking to the other witnesses. One by one, they go into an interview room for questioning.

Izzie is the first witness to finish. Her face lightens upon seeing that Alex had come to get her. Once they are out of the building she stops and hugs him close. She begins sobbing. Izzie says, "It was so horrible. They asked if he had ever hit anyone before. They kept on asking questions about their relationship and if he had abused her physically or emotionally before. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't think about what kind of answer to give. I couldn't stop myself. I told them everything about Derek and Addison even about him hitting Mark. Derek loves her but I do think he has treated Mere badly. Did I do the right thing?"

Alex says, "You told them what you knew no one can fault you for that. Except for loud sex, we don't know what goes on between them behind closed doors. Cristina would not be doing this if she didn't have some evidence to back it up."

Izzie sighs, "You're right. I don't understand how it came to this Mc Dreamy hurting Meredith. I need some aspirin and I need to go to the church to get my stuff."


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author:** Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating:** T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary:** What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes:**

This story has not had the benefit of a beta and it is written in the present tense for the most part.

I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 3**

While Detectives Howard and Moore begin interviewing witnesses at the station a CSI begins her investigation of Meredith another team is at the church. Cristina Yang has used her power of medical proxy to limit the doctors and nurses access to Meredith. In addition, Vernon Davis has hired a security team to keep Derek Sheppard and others out of Meredith's room.

With security in place, Cristina finally leaves Meredith's room. She gets a taxi and heads to the church to get hers and Meredith's things. When she arrives there are police crawling all over the building. She finds Detective in charge and gets permission to go into the Bride's Room. Chaos abounds with clothes, make-up, and other girly things strewn everywhere.

Cristina begins packing her stuff then Isabel's until all that's left is Meredith's tote bag. She opens the bag looking for Mere's purse. Digging inside she finds keys and a book. Pulling out the book, she is surprised to find it is a journal. Sitting down she opens it to read '_Meredith's Book of Truths_.'

_**Entry 1**_

_Why is doing the right thing such a pain in the ass? I've picked up my life and moved from Boston to take care of the mother who never wanted me. I have to start my internship at Seattle Grace Hospital under my mother's shadow and the man who broke her. _

_I went to medical school and graduated top of my class but Ellis says I'm not cut out to be a surgeon. Why demand I go to med school then? I start my internship tomorrow and one of us will be proven right._

_I'm in the old house I don't know why she kept it. The house holds so many bad memories. I don't know if I can stay here but the rent is the right price – free. I need a friend. Die isn't here so I'm going to find Jose._

_**Entry 2**_

_OMG! My one night stand is my boss an attending. He asked me out and I told him no. I'm having enough trouble with my fellow interns because my mother is the Ellis Grey. If they only knew what a nightmare she is, they wouldn't be so envious. _

_I was in my first real live surgery. It felt AMAZING. It is such a high. I have a better understanding of why Ellis would rather be at work. The feeling is addictive. She lived to be in the OR. _

_Becoming a surgeon will hopefully help me understand Ellis better. I know I was an inconvenience to her so why did she have me? She never had time for me she was always busy. So why ask me to move to Seattle to be near her._

_Nurse Bennie and some of the old crew are still here. It was so good to see her. She's a Floor Nurse now. Bennie has grandkids. My playmates are parents and I'm still a student. It's weird._

_**Entry 3**_

_I carried around a penis almost my entire shift. My patient Allison bit off her rapist's penis. The looks on the Burke and Sheppard's faces were priceless when they realized what Allison had in her mouth. The rapist came to SGH for treatment and he'll be going to jail. I discovered I like my resident, the Nazi. She doesn't cater to suck ups and has a sense of humor. _

_I stepped across two lines today one with Derek Sheppard an attending who Cristina has christened Mc Dreamy. He was flirty and I kissed him in the elevator! He's my boss's boss, my teacher I needed him to have self-control. I don't and I know it. I have got to stop. I could be kicked out of the program. I have to stay away from Mc Dreamy, bars, and Jose._

_Another intern George and I visit the newborns to cheer ourselves up. They are like crack. I was by myself and I saw a baby go blue. I checked the baby out. The PEDS intern got real pissy and I had to leave. I'm a doctor if I see someone in trouble I think I should help. The intern threw me out because I'm not in PEDS. How ridiculous is that? I went behind her back, talked to the parents, and got caught. Burke changed his mind and backed me up. I was right it was more serious than the PEDS doctors believed. Burke later accused me of trying to steal a patient from another service. As if! Right now that baby is pure, undamaged and will now live a long life. I could've gotten into a lot of trouble but saving that baby was worth it._

_Every day is an adventure between work and Ellis. She thought I was a teen-ager again in my pink hair phase. Re-living the fights of yesteryear is exhausting. The arguments between us have never changed nor have the outcomes._

_**Entry 4**_

_The Dead Baby Bike Race was on today. I've watched the race and drank at the bar but I had no idea what the true cost of the race was. I've done plenty of stupid things for the thrill of it to feel alive. I like to think my stupidity hasn't had consequences of this nature. But I just don't know. Izzie and I saved a brain dead man so his organs could be harvested. He died because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time being hit during the race. _

_I've left Jose alone and I'm trying this writing thing that one of my old therapists tried to get me to do. I'm an avoider. I deny. I don't share. I don't let people in but I have to have some outlet in a city that holds so many painful memories. _

_Every time I talk to Derek he flirts, his conversation is filled with innuendo. He watches me all the time. He knows it's wrong and he won't stop. I know, I know my kissing him in the elevator sent the wrong message but I've tried to be professional with him. Then the asshole stopped me from hitting Alex. That smug ass deserves a beat down. He thinks he's so much better because he has balls. Grrrr…_

_My perky ass roommates Izzie and George have been digging in my stuff and found my mother's surgical tapes. They didn't even have the decency to ask! My college roommates were better than this. It's only been a day and I'm ready to kick their morning asses out._

_Thank god for Cristina Yang. I'd totally lose my sanity without her._

_**Entry 5**_

_Alex stole a patient from me yesterday and let him go without fully checking him out. I tried to get Viper to stay for at least a CT but he signed out AMA so he could finish the damn Dead Baby Bike Race. He came back today in such a bad state that I had to straddle across him on top a gurney to keep his wound closed. Bailey let me scrub in and gave Alex a tongue lashing about his showing off in the Pit. It was fantastic! After Viper's surgery, she told his friends off about their stupidity in participating in the Dead Baby Bike Race. All hail the Nazi!!!_

_Sheppard was after me again today at work. He talked about my hair and my tiny ineffectual fists. He says it's not the thrill of the chase. I told him no again but it's getting harder. At times I dread going into work because of him. I can't deny the physical attraction but I'm there to learn. He has no discretion he pushes all the time. He doesn't seem to care about what I want or need. Having an Attending hitting on me all the time is not making my life any easier._

Alex and Izzie enter the room to get Izzie's things. They find Cristina in a chair clutching a book sobbing. Izzie immediately goes to Cristina hugging her murmuring reassuring words.

Cristina stands up breaking out of Izzie's embrace. "I'm her person why didn't she tell me how bad it was? Why…"

Alex interrupts, "Yang what is going on? Why are the police all over the hospital questioning us? Why are they here?"

Det. Brewton hears the raised voices and walks into the Brides Room. "Dr. Yang cannot answer any questions at this time."

Alex and Izzie stare at them in disbelief wondering what was really going on.

Det. Brewton asks, "Dr. Yang could you please come outside?"

Cristina ignores them and walks out going to the other side of the church. She gives Det. Brewton the book she's been holding. "This is Meredith's journal I read all of it. You will find it very enlightening."

Det. Brewton manages to keep his face impassive. "Have you found anything else?"

"I found the journal in her purse which is in the Bride's Room along with her car keys. I haven't been to her car or her house. Her housemates are the ones we left in the other room Dr. Alex Karev and Dr. Isabel Stevens."

Det. Brewton replies, "Howard talked to Stevens but not Karev. CSI is done with Dr. Grey's car if you want to take it."

Izzie and Alex walk out of the Bride's Room. Det. Brewton calls out, "Doctors could you please come over here."

They exchange a glance before walking over. Det. Brewton says, "Dr. Karev we are going to need for you to come in and answer a few questions."

"I don't have to be in until noon tomorrow. How about I come in at 9am?"

"See you tomorrow Dr. Karev."


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author:** Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating:** T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary:** What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes:**

1. This story has not had the benefit of a beta and it is written in the present tense for the most part.

2. I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**3. This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 4**

Derek walks into the Police Station looking for Det. Howard. He tells the officer at the front desk he has an appointment with Det. Howard. A few minutes later, he sees Det. Howard wave him back.

He walks into an interrogation room just like the ones on TV. His stomach sinks as he sits down across from Det. Moore.

Det. Moore smiles asking if he needs anything to drink, he shakes his head no afraid to touch anything.

Det. Howard says, "We'd like for you to tell us what happened the day of Preston Burke and Cristina Yang's wedding."

_**Entry 6**_

_I met my mother's scrub nurse Liz Fallon. I tried to do the right thing and give her mom's regards and she called my bluff. I tried to play it off. Later I showed Ellis pictures of her with me and my father and she didn't know who we were. I told her I met Liz and Ellis knew exactly who she was. She doesn't remember me I don't know why I'm surprised I'm only her daughter. I don't know why I let it hurt me. You'd think after two decades of her indifference I'd be immune. Liz is right my mother is a bitch. _

Mark walks up to Derek carrying two cups of coffee. He sits down next to him giving him a fresh coffee. Mark asks, "Any news?"

Derek stares at the security guard in front of Meredith's door. "No the mountain is unmovable and informed me that he is a real cop and if I try anything I'll be arrested."

_**  
Entry 7**_

_I held a heart in my hands. Mom signed everything over to me. I popped a glove. I got put on probation. I got drunk. Mc Dreamy came to Izzie's party. We had sex in a car. Bailey caught us. I still can't wrap my head around all of this. Ellis has left me, ME in charge of her money, her medical care, etc. She really has lost her mind and I'm not far behind. _

Both contemplate the smirking officer before them. Derek asks, "Did you get any news out of the nurses?"

Mark says, "Not even the promise of a night with me made them talk."

Derek snorts, "Mc Steamy failed?"

Mark grins. "I am hurt that you have so little faith in me. A few were tempted until Nurse Bennett reminded them that if they talked they'd lose their jobs."

Derek exclaims, "What?"

Mark explains, "I'm telling you bro Yang has pulled out the big guns and they have all been warned by the Chief himself."

_**Entry 8**_

_I've been avoiding Sheppard. What the hell was an Attending doing at an Intern party? He invited me to dinner and I turned him down so he comes to the party instead. He's not getting censured for our behavior but I am. Bailey's pissed. This is exactly why I didn't want to get involved with him. He said he'd be the better man and walk away if I wanted him to. I talked to Bailey and explained fat lot of good it did me. Bailey talked to him and he was an ass to me. _

"I was questioned by the police this morning."

Alarmed Mark says, "What did you say?"

"I explained what happened and I told them it was an accident." Derek begins choking up. "I didn't mean to hurt her. I love her…"

"I know you didn't mean it Shep. I know."

_**Entry 9**_

_I've avoided this book for a while because I know what I'm doing is wrong even tho it feels right. I don't do relationships but I can't stay away from him. He's different. I feel different with him. I feel more than I ever have before. It's more than the best sex of my life. I actually feel. He's chipping away at the walls. I'm terrified but I'm not stopping._

_Everyone knows about him. Izzie and George saw him leave and they couldn't keep their mouths shut. Now Bailey's making me jump through hoops giving me twice the work everyone else has. I'm still thinking about kicking Izzie and George out. They have no right to judge my private life. If this is going to continue, they're going to have to go._

Later that morning Derek is called into the Chief's office. Patricia lets him in immediately. Chief Webber is looking out the window watching the rainfall. He doesn't immediately turn to greet his guest.

Derek says, "Chief?"

Sighing Chief Webber turns around and studies Dr. Derek Sheppard. He takes in the bloodshot, puffy eyes, the rumpled suit, and the lack of a shave. Sheppard looks horrible. The Chief sits down behind his desk. "Dr. Sheppard it is the Board of Directors decision to suspend your surgical privileges until the police investigation is completed."

_**Entry 10**_

_I caved. I'm actually letting myself have a real grown-up relationship and he tells me to have faith in him. I who have faith in nothing. I actually want to know who he is the details of his life. He finally took me to the trailer where he is staying out in the middle of nowhere. It's peaceful, beautiful, and best of all no roommates!_

_He told me his mom's maiden name that he has four sisters, and plenty of nieces and nephews. He told me a random thing like his favorite color is indigo and he likes coffee ice cream. He asks me to have faith that all the details are gravy to be discovered in time. There's so much he won't tell me. I'm used to everyone thinking they know me because of my mother. I've never been able to hide because of her shadow. I've always been measured against her and found to be lacking. Does he have a shadow to be measured against? Is that why he won't give me details?_

Derek exclaims, "Why?"

The Chief explains, "Derek there were Board members at the wedding. They saw what happened. The police also questioned them last night. They are concerned about your emotional state, your ability to perform, and publicity. Until this matter is cleared up you need to leave this hospital."

Desperate Derek says, "I don't care I just want to know how Meredith is. Yang hired security guards to keep me out. She has instituted a gag order and no one will tell me anything. I love her. I can't live without her. I have to know how she is doing."

"All I can tell you is that she is alive."


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author:** Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating:** T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary:** What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes:**

1. This story has not had the benefit of a beta and it is written in the present tense for the most part.

2. I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**3. This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 5**

Two days later the mountain is on duty again in front of Meredith's door. His unrelenting smirk is grating Derek's nerves. Mark walks up giving the officer a coffee before sitting next to Derek and handing him one.

Derek whispers, "Traitor."

Det. Brewton approaches with two officers. He states, "Doctor Derek Sheppard you are under arrest. Please stand up. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning." As Derek's rights are being read, the police officers are placing him in handcuffs. "If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights?"

In disbelief, Derek mumbles, "Yes."

_**Entry 10**_

_He's married. Married. Married. OMG he's married. His wife walked in and said I was screwing her husband. I couldn't breathe. My heart stopped. For the last few months we haven't been falling in love we've been screwing, he's been cheating on his wife. I've become my mother. Faith my ass. He's married. I'm a mistress, a whore._

Mark begins making phone calls. The first is to Ford their lawyer. While he waits at the station for Derek to be processed, he makes the second much harder call to Mama Sheppard.

"Mama it's Mark…it's about Derek. He's been arrested. I called Ford he's on his way."

Mrs. Sheppard asks, "What happened?"

Mark explains, "I wasn't there but a few days ago there was supposed to be a wedding for one of the Attendings Burke and an Intern Cristina Yang. Derek was the Best Man and Meredith Grey the Maid of Honor."

Mrs. Sheppard asks, "The slutty intern?"

Mark yells, "She's not a slut! Derek never told her he was married. She found out from Addison."

"Oh…"

Mark continues, "Burke called off the wedding and Meredith went up to the front to tell everyone to go home. Derek started yelling at her. He grabbed her eventually pushing her away from him. She fell against a pew cracking her head open."

"It sounds like an accident so why was he arrested?"

Frustrated Mark says, "Mama I don't know. I've been able to find out that Meredith is in a coma. The police have questioned everyone me included. The police wouldn't have arrested him if they didn't have hard evidence of something."

"Thank you for being there for taking care of him. I'll call you back with my flight information."

_**Entry 11**_

_I've become someone's person by choice not necessity. Cristina asked me to go with her to get a procedure done to help her to take care of her. All my "friends" before are party friends not anyone I'd go to for a real emergency. I wasn't expecting to get a real friend out of my internship years. Usually everyone is so focused on being the best that friendships don't develop. _

_Addison, Dr. Sheppard's wife requested me for a neo-natal surgery. I look at her and I don't understand why he was even interested in me. She's beautiful, confident, world-renowned, etc. in a word flawless. She even stood up for me to a patient, which shocked me. She said she cheated on Derek. I do not understand that at all. _

_I went by Derek's trailer to get his side of the story. He told me about finding Addison in their bed with his best friend Mark. He told me I was a breath of fresh air to him and that is all he knew. I told him it wasn't enough. I wasn't ready to admit to him that I loved him. I'm barely able to admit it to myself. _

_He pursed me knowing he was still married if he had told me tonight that he loved me I could have forgiven him. If he had told me they were getting divorced I could have seen it through. Being a breath of fresh air is just not enough to hold onto. There is no future with a married man it is a lesson mother learned the hard way I cannot repeat her mistakes._

Derek is lead into a room for questioning. Mark asks Det. Howard, "Can I see him?"

"No."

Mark asks, "What is he being charged with?"

Det. Howard answers, "Aggravated Assault and Aggravated Battery."

Mark whispers, "Oh my god."

_**Entry 12**_

_I'm becoming better friends with all my resident's interns. We spend so much time together that it is hard to maintain the walls all the time. I'm adapting to Izzie's perky optimism, George's niceness, and Alex's being an asshole. I may not like Alex much but like recognizes like and he's as dark and twisty as I. Cristina is my person and the darkness in me doesn't scare her. She scares most people but I realize how much she cares about a treasured few. Cris has her own darkness that is why we get along so well. Neither of us are bright and shiny people and we don't have much of a tolerance level for those who are._

_Dr. Sheppard seems to think that what he told me was baring his soul. I'm a breath of fresh air is soul worthy? Seriously? Addison checked to see if her hubby told me his version of what happened. Her version of the story is she was trying to get his attention. As Die would say those two are 'dicked in the nob.' I told him to stay away and her we'd have a professional relationship. I hope they both go back to New York soon so I can wallow in my misery without them as an audience._

_Cristina has been seeing Burke. I'm her person and she didn't tell me! He broke up with her so we've been drowning our sorrows in my old friend Jose. I think part of it is all the messiness of my relationship with Sheppard. Burke has way more self-control than Derek does. Burke is an intensely private individual just as Cristina is. They kept their relationship so far under the radar I didn't know about it until it was over. But I don't think it's over between them._

Once Det. Howard goes into the room with Derek Mark makes a call. "Ford it's serious. The police just told me he is being charged with aggravated assault and aggravated battery. He's in there alone when are you going to be here?"

"I need you to calm down Mark. I'll be there tonight with Mrs. Sheppard. I called a friend of mine Brian Langston. I'll help as much as I can but I'm not a criminal attorney. Brian's agreed to be Derek's attorney of record. He should be there within the hour."

Mark asks, "What do I need to do now?"

Ford says, "Stay there. Keep asking to see Derek. If you see him before Brian gets there tell him to ask for a lawyer and to keep quiet. Tell him Brian is on his way. Tell him Mrs. Sheppard and I are on the way. You know how he is don't let him give into despair. We won't know what's really going on until Brian gets access to the evidence."

Relieved to have something to do Mark says, "I can do that."


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Stranger In My Own Life  
Author: Adian

Genre: Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
Rating: T (Mainly for language)  
Summary: What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

Notes:

I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 6**

Evening has arrived and Derek has refused to see anyone. Relief courses through Mark when he sees Mama Sheppard walk into the police station. He stands up engulfing her in a hug. She holds him tight letting all his fear and sadness flow into her.

Eventually he pulls back. "Mama he wouldn't see me or Langston."

"Don't worry Mark he'll see me." Mrs. Sheppard walks to the desk and asks to see her son.

_**Entry 13**_

_I don't even know where to start. Christina had an extra uterine pregnancy she almost bled out. I almost lost my person today. I just got her I can't lose her._

_Mom's secret is out she had to be rushed here. She has a non-cancerous mass near her liver. She thought George was her ex-husband Thatcher. She treated him so badly was so dismissive of him and me. _

_Alex was a godsend with mother. Izzie was right Evil Spawn can be human. I wish he'd be human more often._

_Dr. Sheppard won't leave me alone and try as I might I can't hate him. He has a wife but pursues me silently. Those eyes of his he won't quit staring at me. He doesn't know the meaning of the word discreet and the whole hospital thinks we're still sleeping together because of the way he is acting towards me. I'm being treated as a whore because of him. I wish they'd go back to New York._

The next morning finds all parties in court for Derek's arraignment. His mother has whipped him into shape making him shave and shower. Mark went by the trailer and picked up a suit for him to wear. He is in a holding cell waiting to be called before the judge. His mom, Mark and the lawyers are in the courtroom.

The judge calls his case and the guards walk him into the courtroom. The first person he sees is Cristina Yang sitting behind the Prosecutor's table. He stares at her until the guards tell him to be seated.

The Bailiff says, "All rise the Honorable Judge Warner presiding."

The judge motions for them all to be seated. He opens the case file and says, "Will Dr. Derek Sheppard please rise."

Derek and his lawyers rise.

The judge continues, "Dr. Derek Sheppard you are charged with Aggravated Assault and Aggravated Battery against Meredith Grey. If found guilty the minimum penalty will be five years in jail with the maximum being ten years in jail. You have the right to a preliminary hearing where the prosecution must provide sufficient evidence to the court that the charges against you have validity. If the prosecution cannot provide sufficient evidence of the crime being committed then the matter will be dismissed. If the prosecution does establish probable cause then your case will be bound over to the district court for trial. You have the right to counsel if you request it. If you do and cannot afford legal representation the court will appoint a lawyer to you do you understand these rights Dr. Sheppard?"

Nervous Derek squeaks out, "Yes…yes Your Honor."

"Good now to the matter of bail. Mr. Radcliff you may begin."

Prosecutor Radcliff stands up. "Your Honor we recommend the accused remain in custody and be denied bail."

The judge asks, "Why?"

"The accused Dr. Derek Sheppard remained outside of the room of Meredith Grey except for police questioning and when he was arrested. He continually badgered the doctors, nurses, and other support staff about her prognosis. He repeatedly tried to enter Ms. Grey's room against the wishes of Dr. Cristina Yang who holds Ms. Grey's medical proxy, her lawyer Mr. Vernon Davis, and the Chief of Surgery Doctor Richard Webber's own orders. Mr. Davis had to hire security guards to keep Dr. Sheppard out of the room. The guards are off duty police and I have their sworn statements as to Dr. Derek Sheppard's behavior. Dr. Sheppard's actions have put Meredith Grey into a coma. Given his state of mind and obsession with Ms. Grey, we feel it is best he remain in police custody. Ms. Grey's caretakers are afraid of what he might do to her when she has no ability to protect herself."

_**Entry 14**_

_Mother's living out her internship years and driving Chief and George crazy. Cristina finally broke. Barbie and Evil spawn are dating. George broke up with the Syph nurse. Derek is all up in my space. Addison gave Derek divorce papers but he hasn't signed them. She told me that if there was the slightest chance he'd forgive her she wasn't leaving Seattle. _

_I remember being so sure as a child that my father loved me and that he'd come and take me away from Ellis. The feeling eventually faded as days turned into weeks, then months. I'd always wondered why Ellis and Thatcher had me and now I know. They didn't want me but Ellis's symptoms were so obvious everyone figured it out before she did. Both were just getting established in their careers and it was the worst time ever to have a baby. Once her Chief congratulated her she had to go through with the pregnancy. Thatcher was pissed with her decision but appearances meant more to her than his opinion. So now, I know why I'm here and why it was so easy for Thatcher to leave me behind._

_If I had known that I wasn't wanted I probably would have fought less with Ellis. I tried so hard to get her to love me to notice me little did I know I should have been grateful that she provided for me at all._

The Bailiff walks to Prosecutor Radcliff's desk, grabs the guards' affidavits, and hands them to the judge. The judge reads them and then asks, "Mr. Langston are you Dr. Derek Sheppard's legal counsel?"

Brian Langston rises and says, "I am Your Honor. The prosecution failed to mention that Dr. Derek Sheppard and Dr. Meredith Grey are dating. He has been in front of her room because he loves her and Dr. Cristina Yang has instituted a gag order against him. Derek Sheppard just wants to know how his girlfriend is doing. He wants access to her medical data because he is one of the foremost neurosurgeons in the country and he wants to help her. "

Judge Warner mulls over what he has heard. He says, "Love or obsession both sides have made valid arguments. The basic facts cannot be changed Meredith Grey is in a coma fighting for her life because of Dr. Derek Sheppard's actions. I have read the testimony the guards have provided and I agree that Derek Sheppard will not stay away from Meredith Grey. In the interest of her well being I am finding in favor of the prosecution and remanding Dr. Derek Sheppard to police custody."

Judge Warner views the reactions of his audience. Dr. Yang is relieved and Dr. Sheppard is devastated. He is not sure who is right at this point but errs in favor of Meredith Grey who cannot yet speak for herself.

_**Entry 15**_

_I asked him to sign the divorce papers and chose me. He didn't. I didn't think anyone could hurt me as badly as Ellis and Thatcher. I was wrong. I begged him for his love. He said she's my wife…my wife. Was I just a game? A distraction? I haven't loved a man since Thatcher. I should've known better. Men can't be trusted. They are only good for one thing. How could I have been so snowed by him? How could I have let myself believe in him? He taunts me with what I cannot have. His Dreamy smile, his sincere blue eyes…Bastard! He chooses her and still he chases me. Is that all I'm good for a bit of fluff on the side?_

_I don't know why I expected him to be different from Thatcher._


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author:** Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating:** T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary:** What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes:**

1) I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**2) This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 7**

Dr. Mark Sloan walks down one of the halls at Seattle Grace Hospital no one will look at him they barely look at each other. Since Derek's arrest, the mood at the hospital has gotten progressively worse. At first sides were taken but everyday that Meredith remains unresponsive the more Derek is damned. He is at a loss as to what to do. Except for the first day, Yang had not made any accusations. The guards in front of Meredith's door said it all. It is an open secret that Meredith is in a coma. Her prognosis is what no one knows. Meredith's whole group of friends has remained uncharacteristically silent.

For the first time ever Yang has been assigned to his service. He has her for a whole week. Yang had almost no Plastic Surgery hours documented and she had to make up for her lack before becoming a Resident. Every eye was going to be on them for the next week. It was going to be hell and there was no way around it.

He watches Yang walk up to him. She looks so cold, so remote her eyes are unreadable as always. She says, "Dr. Sloan I'm your intern for the week."

"Dr. Yang I have two special patients that need to be monitored. The first in room 4020 is a burn victim. Her vitals need to be monitored closely and her intake of pain meds. Until she is stable I can't begin the skin grafts." He hands her the chart and continues, "The patient in room 4022 needs to have his jaw reconstructed. The kid is so small we've been having trouble. His vitals keep on dropping. I have two simple procedures scheduled for today but if one of these two becomes stable enough for surgery they will become the priority. I need you to keep me updated on their status throughout the day." He hands her the second chart. "I have a few other patients to check on. I'll be back to answer any questions after you've familiarized yourself with their charts."

Dr. Sloan walks away leaving Cristina reading. The watching masses are relieved and disappointed that nothing had happened.

_**Entry 16**_

_We had a guy come in with his pregnant wife claiming to be pregnant. Psych claimed him without really checking him out. He had a distended abdomen and the Psych Intern just said it was male hysterical pregnancy. If Shane had had a thorough exam, they would have found the mesenteric teratoma. It's extremely rare in an adult male. It became a three-ring circus thanks to Cristina and Izzie. They sold floor space in the surgery it was ridiculous. They know how bad it is for me at the hospital with everyone knowing my private life and they inflicted it on their patient. I was so pissed. Still am pissed. I kicked them all out and took care of the remains myself after surgery. _

_Sometimes I just don't understand. We all want to be on the cool cases but to exploit the people we are supposed to be healing is wrong. Maybe Mother is right and I'm not cutthroat enough for surgery._

_He chose her but he won't leave me alone. He broke my heart. My soul hurts. Why can't he leave me alone?  
_

All week Dr. Sloan and Dr. Yang have endured extra scrutiny from the Chief on down the expected and in some quarter's anticipated knock down drag out fight had yet to happen. Mark had run into Yang coming out of Meredith's room and the brief glimpse into her eyes before the barriers went up had kept him quiet all week. The depth of pain and grief he had seen made him wonder how she was keeping it together. He loves Derek had missed Derek when he left for Seattle but his feelings about the current situation seemed a mere drop in the well compared to hers.

His whole life he had kept anyone who wasn't a Sheppard at a distance but here in Seattle he was truly on his own. The last few years he'd come to know a different side of Derek. He knew they'd never be the brothers they once were. The Sheppard family had not forgiven him for betraying Derek.

He didn't know if he was finally growing up or if it was the air in Seattle but he is changing. He actually had women friends one of whom he'd never even slept with. He'd toned down his manwhorish ways. He is actually letting himself care about people who aren't Sheppard's. He is realizing that the labels he'd always used no longer fit. Derek was always the good one and he the bad one. Derek had changed as he is changing they no longer fit in the black and white world of their youth. He is learning that you never really know anyone sometimes including yourself.

He stares at the paper in his hands and knows a life defining moment has occurred. His world has changed. He has to testify before a grand jury about his lifelong friend Derek Sheppard. He has to account for his actions and the part he played in forming the Derek Sheppard who sits in jail today.

_**Entry 17**_

_I had the Sorrento's today and she is dying of cancer. They've been married for 60 years. I've never been able to imagine wanting to spend that much time with one person until Derek. In a few short months, my whole view on relationships changed. There is this void filled with an unending ache where he used to be. I hurt mentally, physically, emotionally. I see him every damn day. He chose his wife. He gives me those dreamy looks, he smells my hair, and he's forever trying to talk to me. I see her touching him. I have everyone watching me just waiting for me to breakdown or go mental. _

_What if he is my otter? Will I end up like my mother cold, bitter, and alone?_


	8. Chapter 8

**I put a warning on this story from the very beginning warning readers away if they couldn't handle a negative portrayal of Derek. I've received several comments about this story centering on how Derek could never hurt Meredith. In the beginning, I was a huge Meredith and Derek fan but as the seasons progressed, I became less and less enchanted with Derek. I watched the seasons back to back and I became really angry with the way Derek has treated Meredith. When things cease to go his way Derek gets vicious either verbally or physically. He goes for the jugular and says or does what will hurt the most. The longer Derek has run from his own issues the more explosive his temper has become. With him being so angry all the time a "What If" scenario was born. A **_**Stranger In My Own Life**_** is the product of that scenario.**

**Title:** Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author:** Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating:** T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary:** What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes: **

I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 8**

A few weeks later a majority of the wedding guests are gathered once again only outside a courtroom this time. They file into a witness waiting room. An officer reads out the rules to them. They will be spending the day in silence staring at each other unless called to the stand.

Judge Gardner walks in and the Bailiff says, "All rise the Honorable Judge Gardner presiding."

The judge motions for them all to be seated. He opens the case file and says, "Will Dr. Derek Sheppard please rise."

Derek and his lawyers rise.

The judge continues, "Dr. Derek Sheppard you have been indicted by the Grand Jury on charges of Aggravated Assault and Aggravated Battery against Meredith Grey. Assault is a crime of violence against another person. It can include any physical contact with another person without his or her consent, the threat of violence through an immediate show of force to actual violence. Aggravated Battery is a felony grade offense involving the loss of the victim's limb or some other type of permanent disfigurement or impairment of the victim. To be found guilty of Aggravated Battery the law requires a volitional act that results in harmful or offensive contact with another person committed with the intent to cause a harmful or offensive contact or with a reckless disregard as to whether such contact will result. If found guilty the minimum penalty will be five years in jail with the maximum being ten years in jail. Mr. Radcliff you may begin opening statements for the prosecution."

Dr. Alex Karev sits in the courtroom next to Dr. Cristina Yang behind the prosecutor's table. The courtroom is surprisingly empty. The judge has had the witnesses sequestered so they aren't influenced by others testimony. He tunes out the opening statements instead he watches Derek Sheppard. His time in jail has left its mark Derek's surgeon's arrogance is long gone. Five women sit behind him their faces reflect the same disbelief and despair that Derek's does.

_**Entry 18**_

_It's Thanksgiving and Izzie has all these plans to celebrate. She doesn't know it but I volunteered to work. I've never celebrated the holidays it wasn't a priority with Ellis. She usually worked holidays and I was with a nanny or by myself. I can only imagine what Christmas will be like if Izzie is this excited about Thanksgiving. _

_I had a patient today Mr. Holden an ex-firefighter injured on the job. He has been in a vegetative state for 16 years. He looked at me and no one would believe me. Turns out, he became minimally conscious over the years. Dr. Sheppard woke him up. Holden's wife had just remarried and is pregnant by her new husband. His son is about to graduate. They all were so lost. _

_Mr. Holden woke up to a totally different world; a world that had passed him by one that he no longer had a place in. He died on the table after meeting his adult son. I don't think he really wanted to live to start over. I think he would rather have stayed unconscious and lived in a world where he was still a husband, a father, and life was just beginning for his family._

Alex listens to the first witness the preacher who was supposed to marry Burke and Yang. Alex watches the jurors' faces as they visibly react to the preacher's description of the fight between Meredith and Derek. His testimony is damning.

Pictures are put up of Meredith before the fight and after the fight. The dark hand shaped bruises are vivid against Meredith's pale skin. A blown up picture of the bruises is shown. Fingerprints can be seen. An expert witness is comparing them to Derek Sheppard's and giving a positive ID.

A Board Member and his wife give testimony next. They are followed by the videographer he testifies to shooting the video that is about to be seen. An officer testifies to the video not having been tampered with.

The people in the courtroom watch the non-wedding unfold. They see the groom leave the front of the church. A few minutes later Meredith Grey walks to the front of the church and says something to the crowd. People begin standing up to leave. The exodus halts as the wedding guests watch the fight unfold between the best man and the maid of honor. They watch Derek Sheppard grab Meredith by the arm. They see Meredith try to break free but Sheppard grabs her other arm. He yells at Meredith shaking her. She yells at him still struggling to break free. Sheppard picks her up tosses her away from him. Meredith flies through the air her head landing on the edge of a pew. Her body falls to the ground blood gushing from her head. They see Sheppard freeze and a look of horror cross his face. They see a tall older black man run up to Meredith his phone out. A bevy of people rush forward one of them being Cristina Yang. Two minutes later a black woman pushes through to the front with a black bag handing it to the older black man. The man and Yang work frantically to stop the bleeding. Paramedics run in with a gurney. A few minutes later Meredith is wheeled out attached to various wires and tubes. Yang in a blood soaked wedding dress leaves with the paramedics.

A machine is rolled in to view CT scans. Dr. McCrarry is called up to the stand. After he is sworn in, he puts Meredith's CT scans on the viewer. A gasp can be heard from the medical personnel in the courtroom.

Dr. McCrarry explains to the judge and jurors what the medical personnel already knew. The extensive damage to the hippocampus meant that Meredith had little chance of ever waking up much less having the mental capacity to live her life as she previously had.

Derek sits in his chair sobbing. The prosecution has rested its case.

_**Entry 19**_

_I see them together almost daily. They are reconciling. I see them touch and he isn't turning away from her anymore. Every touch is like a dagger through my heart. I try to fill the void with Jose and men but I just feel emptier. I don't understand how he can reconcile with her and treat me this way. Derek won't stop with the looks, the sniffing of my hair, the trying to be my friend I just want to scream. I want to indulge in a fit that would keep the hospital talking for years but I refrain. I want the pain to end. When will they go back to New York and grant me some peace?_


	9. Chapter 9

**Title:** Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author:** Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating:** T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary:** What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes: **

I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 9**

All parties are called back into the courtroom for the jury's verdict. The courtroom is packed now that all of the potential witnesses have been released.

Judge Gardner asks, "Have you reached a verdict?"

The Jury Foreman stands and says, "Yes, Your Honor."

The Bailiff takes a paper from the Jury Foreman and brings it to Judge Gardner. He reads it and hands it back to the Bailiff.

The Bailiff walks back to the jury box handing the paper to the Jury Foreman. She stands and reads the verdict. "We find the defendant Dr. Derek Sheppard guilty on all counts."

Pandemonium erupts in the courtroom from the witnesses who have been sequestered but not from those who have watched the case unfold. Mark looks upon Derek's family at a loss as to their reaction. They are resigned. No protest has come from them at the verdict. They silently cry as the guards lead Derek out of the courtroom. Mark watches them leave quickly surrounding their grieving mother after Derek does.

Board Members approach Yang who is surrounded by her fellow interns, Bailey, and the Chief. To his surprise Yang doesn't look victorious she looks sad. In fact, she is staring at him there is no remorse in her gaze only the same look of resignation the Sheppard family had worn.

Yang says, "I know you all have questions and I have provided no answers. Many of you have questioned my motives and wondered whether I was after revenge or justice. You can now see what the police, the grand jury, and today's jury based their verdict on. Please sit."

She walks to the TV and puts in the video tape from the wedding. She watches the audience as the fight between Meredith and Derek unfolds. She sees Izzie's tears, George's jaw hang open, and Mark's jaw clench. The vein in his forehead throbs in anger at Derek's manhandling of Meredith. The Board Members and other wedding guests gasp in horror as they see Meredith fly through the air her head hitting the pew and the blood gushing out. They watch her and the Chief frantically try and staunch the bleeding while they wait for the paramedics. The last shot is of Yang in her white wedding dress running alongside Meredith's gurney drops of red staining the ground with each step. Yang stops the tape and turns on the CT viewer.

Yang says, "This is Meredith's CT."

The doctor's process the CT results in horror. She explains to the others what the doctors already know Meredith will not be waking up instead at some point she will die from complications from the coma.

After the Board Members and other wedding guests leave Yang faces her friends and colleagues saying, "I know you have been angry with me for not telling you what was going on. You know that I am Meredith's medical proxy what you didn't know is that I also have her power of attorney. After the bomb, Mere realized that she needed to take steps to insure that her mother and her mother's estate were taken care of if anything ever happened to her. Even though Ellis is dead, I still had to contact the attorney of Ellis's estate Vernon Davis in regards to Meredith. Once I talked to Ellis's lawyer I realized that making sure Meredith was taken care of was my primary responsibility. I called the police and let them judge the evidence for themselves. I don't believe Sheppard was malicious in his intent but he let his anger get the better of him again. He had to be held accountable for his actions. Meredith will eventually die and it is his fault. I will be asking that his assets are seized and used to take care of Meredith for however long she has left."

Mark is the first one to speak. "Cristina you did the right thing."

Yang replies, "Mark so did you."

_**Entry 20**_

_My life is just one big joke for the hospital gossips amusement and my fellow roommates even my person. In college, I was the life of the party. I was never lonely I never stopped long enough to be. Then I met him and I was having an actual adult relationship now I know what lonely means. I get why mother was so obsessed with work trying to do anything to fill the void Richard left behind. I use tequila and men. Neither option works. Mother had me. She could have tried to make us into a real family but I was never enough to fill that void. Is anything ever enough to fill the void? Will I spend the rest of my life desperately attempting to fill the void?_


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:** I'm posting early and leaving a dreaded Author's Note. I have mid-terms over the next two weeks and projects to be completed so this story will be on hiatus until the end of March.

**Title:** Stranger In My Own Life  
**Author:** Adian

**Genre:** Meredith Centric - A/U – It's canon except for a few minor differences until Epi 325 _Didn't We Almost Have It All_. From there the story is A/U.  
**Rating:** T (Mainly for language)  
**Summary:** What happens when you realize you don't know who you are anymore?

**Notes: **

I have done research on the medical issues that are in this story. I think I understand it but I'm sure there will be mistakes. I've never written a GA story and the medical aspect of it has been challenging.

**This is not a Derek friendly story. Read at your own peril.**

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy is a creation of Shonda Rhimes and an ABC Studios Production. This story is meant strictly for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of the forthcoming drivel.

**Chapter 10**

Weeks have passed since the trial new Interns have arrived but Bailey's former Interns have yet to begin healing. Mark has been observing them Yang in particular. He follows Yang to the courtyard and asks, "Cristina how are you?"

Cristina sighs, "Lost. My person is in a coma. I have no purpose now. I don't know how to watch her slowly die day by day."

Tentative Mark says, "Here," handing her a card.

Cristina looks at it and exclaims, "A shrink?"

Mark explains, "I didn't know what else to do. The person I usually talked to can't. So much has happened I feel like I could literally implode. I'm confused, angry, sad, depressed you have to be feeling the same and more. I have to figure out a way to survive in this new world."

Cristina threatens, "If you tell anyone about this…"

"Yang, I don't want it broadcast either. I have one other thing I needed to talk to you about. I've been doing some research and I have an idea about Meredith."

Despairing Cristina says, "Don't do this. She's never risen above a three on the Glasgow scale. There is no new brain activity. All that is left is a body. She's gone Mark."

"Yang, I read about work they are doing in Sydney with coma patients." He hands her a folder saying, "Just read this."

Cristina stares at the closed folder for what seems like an eternity afraid to hope.

_**Entry 21**_

_Christmas threw up in my house. I'm being supportive of Izzie so I haven't said anything. I don't do holidays and Izzie made up for it all at once. People spout all this crap that I just don't get and then when it's time to really show what you're made of they don't act upon their purported beliefs. _

_I helped Alex study for his test and you'd think I committed a crime. By the end, everyone was helping him study. I don't have a family but my fellow interns are the closest thing to it I have. I don't want to lose anyone. The feeling surprises me. _

_His blue eyes follow wherever I go. I can't escape him. When will these feelings go away? A part of me admires him for doing the right thing by his marriage the other part of me hates him. Seeing them together more than hurts my heart it hurts my soul. I see them and it feels wrong. Maybe I should be the one to leave._

A few days later Cristina stares at Meredith contemplating the struggle ahead. In the OR she feels like a goddess she's read, studied, practiced for every eventuality but this is something beyond her ken. This will take months if not years of dedication of work of trying to keep the rest towing the line for a result that has little chance of happening. Optimistic she is not but this is her person and for her she will try.

Cristina hands folders to Alex, Izzie, and George as they walk into Meredith's room. Alex opens his and begins reading the information. Incredulous he says, "Yang, what have you been smoking?"

Excited Izzie says, "Shut up Alex. We could get Mere back! I'm in Cristina whatever you need. When do we start?"

George yells, "Stop it! Just stop it! She's gone! Gone! Gone! Gone!" He stands up throwing the folder back at Cristina. He storms out only to run into another body.

"Is the meeting over?" asks Mark.

George steps back looking at Cristina. "Sloan! Seriously? McBastard's best friend! What are you thinking?"

Cristina replies, "I'm thinking of Meredith."

Izzie orders "Sit down George and read."

George sighs and sits back down. Cristina gives him back the folder. Izzie, Alex, and George read while Cristina and Mark stare at them in silence.

_**Entry 22**_

_At first, I was really excited about our workweek being cut down to 80 hours. Now I'm bored out of my mind. I've actually done housework!_

_Dr. Sheppard was visiting my mom. What the hell? The looks and sniffing aren't enough now he's trying through my mother._

_I found out Chief had Sheppard out evaluating mom to see if she'd be a candidate for a clinical trial. Medicine was always the most important thing to her you'd think it would be an easy answer._

Alex asks, "What do you want from us?"

"Help. I'm taking Mere to the Pacifica Institute to have her evaluated. Once they have her baseline established and a treatment program created, I'll bring her back. Some of their nurses will come back with her and train us and the other support staff in what to do. As you read, it will take all of us to accomplish this. We can create a schedule so that each of us plays a part in her therapy that is if you are willing."

Immediately Izzie says, "I'm in."

George asks, "Why is Sloan here?"

Cristina says, "Mere has other friends here besides us interns. When the time comes, I'll be tapping into them also. Sloan is the one who approached me with this idea. He has a friend at Pacifica who got Meredith in. Everything that happens now is about Meredith and what we can do to get her back. We have to work together we have to be positive from now on in this room. If you don't think you can do it then leave now."

No one moves from the room. Cristina continues, "I have millions at my disposal and I want every idea on Coma Arousal Therapy you can find. We will try them all."


End file.
